Am I Ready For Reality?

Chase goes back to work on Monday.  That means that my new reality actually starts on Monday.  I will be alone with both kids for the entire day for the first time.  This fact is a bit daunting.  Yes, I'm well aware that there are millions who have accomplished this task and that I am more than capable.  That doesn't mean that I'm not apprehensive.

I have come to the conclusion that a great deal of my fear is based in wacky hormones.  The last few days have me feeling a bit off kilter.  Some of it can be attributed to sleep deprivation but the rest is what I'd term baby blues.  I had postpartum depression with Jordan, and there are enough minor similarities to let me know that this is completely hormone related.  I don't feel the detachment I felt with Jordan, but there is a bit of the reluctance/fear of being alone.  I'm hoping that the act of verbalizing these feelings will help neutralize them.

I have to admit that Connor is doing a pretty good job of sleeping at night, which helps.  With Jordan around I can't just nap when he naps.  That's one of the biggest differences I'm facing.  Fortunately Jordan doesn't seem resentful of the time I have to spend with Connor when I'm feeding or burping or calming him.  I know that part of that is because Chase has been able to spend a great deal of time playing with her. That will change somewhat on Monday so we'll have to see if that alters her feelings any.  I am aware that I'm going to have to neglect a number of housekeeping duties so that Jordan has plenty of my time and attention.  I also know that this is only temporary; at some point we'll settle into a new routine.

I have to admit that I'm simply not good with change.  It throws me off kilter.  The last two major changes in my life necessitated the use of mind altering drugs.  The first, my marriage and move to a new state, ended up with my self medicating with alcohol.  The second, the birth of my daughter, required the use of mild anti-depressants while my hormones got back on track.  Here I sit now, next to the third major change I've met in the last 8 years.  Yes, I'm aware that this admission may make me sound a smidgen boring.  Fortunately I'm okay with that!  Actually I'm just one of those people to whom security is insanely important, and I equate continuity with security.  I'm also aware that continuity and security are not synonymous.

Aside from my fears, which are no longer unspoken, I am doing pretty well.  I have been able to do some things that make me feel more like myself (sadly enough this consists of laundry, cooking, and cleaning).  I have also been able to spend some amazing quality time with Jordan.  She is taking to being a big sister pretty well.  She helps me burp the baby and always pulls her stool over to the changing table to watch us perform diaper duty.  Yesterday morning when I was feeding Connor she came over with her doll and proceeded to try breastfeeding, complete with a dishtowel for burping!  How I wish I'd had my camera within reach!

I hope everyone else is enjoying the last bits of winter, or perhaps the first hints of spring.  I am looking forward to enough warmth to get outside with Jordan.  I intend to put Connor in the sling and head outdoors to play as soon as we hit a warm day!  A happy weekend to everyone:)