2013

So Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's have come and gone.  I've been crazy busy.  My heathens keep me on my toes and my other commitments keep me constantly trying to find my balance.  It's tough to find one's way way when juggling several duties, and I'm no Superwoman.  Still, it's a joy.

"Crazy eyes."  This boy is a ham.

Here we all are at Christmas

Looking so serious

Working on bike riding

I turned this...

Into this.

The kids enjoyed the first snow of the year.

Made lots of signs (this is just a sampling)

I've also done a few photo shoots and reorganized most of my basement.  It's not quite done, but it's getting there.  I've finally gotten around to some of the projects I've been wanting to do around the house.  I'm trying to find a way to satisfy my needs and those of my family without putting my mental health at risk...which is harder than I'd have thought!  I've taken the time to read some fascinating books and have been trying to remember that 8 hours of sleep is actually possible.  My theme for 2013 is Balance.  Wish me luck!

I've missed blogging but do check in still to see what everyone else has going on! 

Drinking, or rather, Not

If the past month or so had a theme it would be Alcohol as I'm running into it quite a bit lately.  Obviously there's some grand design in place, but I haven't a clue what it may be.  I know I've been thinking about the Not Drinking part of being an alcoholic more than usual because I've got someone close to me who's toying with the idea for their own life.  They asked me yesterday, "How?  How on earth did you do it?"  There are so many answers to that question that I'm not really even sure how I answered, nor do I know if they even heard half of what I said.  They're too focused on the Can't portion of not drinking, on what they see as the deprivation of it all.

I decided that a great deal of sobriety is about perspective.  I don't view it as a jail sentence, a time out for poor behavior.  For me it's not a shameful secret or proof that I am or was a piss poor human being. No, my sobriety is a badge of honor.  I wear it on my sleeve to show that I have demons, the same as everyone, and that I get up each morning prepared to fight these demons and go to bed each night with gratitude for another victory.  My past is part of my present and what makes me who I am.  Honestly, I'm proud of it.  Oh, not proud of all the moments that led to my decision to quit drinking, many of which I don't remember, but proud of the fact that I did quit, that I continue to refrain.  I think this pride, this willingness to admit that I'm an alcoholic, has been beneficial in my recovery.  I'm not afraid to ask for help if I need it.  I understand the need that some have for secrecy, but I think it makes sobriety tough if you turn it into something shameful.  Besides, how do you do something so big, so Huge, and keep it a secret?  I couldn't.  I don't.

I have a million thoughts about drinking, not drinking, and all things related running through my mind.  I'm wondering, why now?  Why is all of this converging now?  What's the message for me in all of this?  I'm wondering if all of those answers I gave yesterday in response to the question HOW are really the answers to my own questions lately, the Universe's way of answering me.  Maybe all the responses I gave yesterday fell on deaf ears but it doesn't matter because really I was just talking to myself, answering my own questions and calling bullshit to myself for trying to justify my hesitation in taking some steps in my own life.  Maybe that's the point of all of this, a reminder that I'm not alone.  That scary stuff is worth taking on, particularly when I've got such a kick ass support system.  That not asking for help when I need it is asinine and robs people of the opportunity to show me how much they care.

Yup.  I'm gonna just believe that's the case.  And if I believe it then it's true.  So maybe the theme of the past month is Courage.  What's the worst that can happen?  I look like an ass.  I think after all my alcoholic exploits I've proven that there's no lasting physical damage caused by making a fool of oneself.  It's character building.  So here's to making an ass of myself.  Or, preferably, here's to being honest with myself about having a dream and having the courage to pursue it.

This is not where I thought this post was going to go (it sounded different in my head earlier).  So thanks for letting me ramble on while I worked all that out.

Have a Happy Halloween!

This is what happens when you unintentionally order 36 mustaches. 

I'm the one peeking in from the back (next to Snow White).

Although it may appear I've fallen off the face of the earth, I am still alive and well.  I'm just busy.  It's amazing how some luxuries cannot be fully appreciated until they are long gone.  Such is the way with my time, or the lack of pressing duties.  I remember when Jordan was little, long before we had Connor, and I was able to sleep in, clean the house, cook dinner, and still do yoga and read.  That seems like such a long time ago.  Now I have the two kids, a house that needs more attention than I have to give, one part time job, one potentially profitable passion, and one fledgling side business.  Which is why you haven't seen me.

So much has happened in the last several months that I don't even know what to mention first.  I will say that I miss this, and I miss reading blogs and keeping up with what's happening in the lives of those I feel are friends.  With as much as I have on my plate I had to let some things slide and blogger became one of those things.  Hopefully that is changing.

Speaking of change, my baby turned five last week.  I cannot believe she's actually that old.  It sometimes seems like yesterday we brought her home.  Now she's in Pre K and practices being pregnant and having her own babies.  Although she keeps asking for a little sister we've told her she's going to have to be content with the little brother she's already got...some days she seems satisfied with that.

More than the change in her is the change in Connor.  He's a little boy now.  I miss some of the baby things, but he generally keeps me a bit too busy (not to mention entertained) to miss much.  Besides, he's affectionate enough to compensate for the fact that I no longer have a toddler.  I will say that he has a strong personality and is fortunately cute enough to persuade me to keep him even when he's more than a handful.

I hope all is well and good.  I'll leave you with a picture or two...or more.

Our trip to the beach

Playing tambourine with the band last weekend.  Check out the impish little man.

Making faces at Aunt Ashley

My little princess on her birthday

And now, the fledgeling business...

signs and such on reclaimed barn wood.  

This one was for us, to hang as you walk down the steps to our basement.

This one was for my sister.  DJan, I thought of you the whole time I was doing this.  

Spring is here!

Thank you for the kind comments on the last post (oh so very long ago!).  My sister and I made it down for the funereal but not much of the visitation.  We were flying standby and didn't get on a couple of flights so the visitation was nearly over by the time we got there.  Of course, my uncle wasn't watching a clock, and we were at least able to say our own goodbye's.  We also got a moment with my aunt who was stunningly regal in her new role as widow.  The service was lovely, but I knew it would be.  All in all an emotional roller coaster.

Since then I've been busy busy.  Work has picked up which means that my part time job bordered on full time last week.  Of course, I'm still a stay at home mom so that time comes from somewhere...housekeeping and cooking have flown out the window.  So have naps and decent bedtimes. I'm aware that it all has to do with balance; I'm still trying to find mine.

In the meantime I've taken lots of pictures.  Of course:)  I miss you all, but I'm still lurking here and there. It's just a bit sporadic right now!

We are enjoying the warmer temperatures.  How is it in your neck of the woods?

Exactly a month ago...

Yesterday!

Mortality

It seems to be a common theme lately.  It first made an appearance when my mom came up for Connor's birthday.  She and her husband has recently redone their wills and she wanted to talk about it with Ashley and me.  Because she was staying here she and I talked about it quite a bit, more about the individual pieces we might want for their sentimental value than about who gets how much money, yada yada.  This led to talking about memories of travels where she and my dad got certain pieces of furniture and which pieces of jewelry she got on which trip and so forth.  This was one of the best trips we'd had with her visiting.  She was very engaged with her grandchildren, very present the entire trip.  I have to say that hasn't always been the case.  She's just not a very maternal woman; that is not one of her strengths.  As I get older (and hopefully wiser) it is easier to see how she was shaped into the person she was by life's circumstances.  She was the only girl of 6 children, the next to youngest.  Her mother died when she was 12, dropping dead suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 44.  This didn't leave my mother with much feminine influence.  My grandfather remarried, and Oretha was a wonderful woman but not the type of strong personality to try to help model motherly behavior.

Growing up, and in reflecting back on my childhood, it was all too easy to see the absence of my mother. She was already in management by the time I came along which meant long workdays and frequent traveling.  You have to know that my mother worked at Delta before you can understand just how much she travelled.  She began her career as a flight attendant and ended it as an executive in charge of In Flight Service.  I can remember when I would fly somewhere alone and get asked by the flight attendants if I was Jenny Poole's daughter.  I got wonderful service because Mama was the 'Big Boss.'  It was all too easy to forget that these people saw a completely different side of her; she was highly respected and well liked by her employees and her peers.  I think I finally realized how important her job was when we started attending all the different retirement functions held for her.  She had employees write poems for her, create or commission relevant artwork, perform songs, and present her with jewelry.  They told stories about her that presented a completely different side of the woman I knew.  It's still easy to forget all of that when I'm consumed with my own life and wishing she'd be a more engaged grandmother.  It came back to me when we were talking about her things, in part because we were discussing two bracelets given to her upon her retirement.  One is a gold charm bracelet covered with charms given to her by each base as she visited them for the last time.  Each of the thirty plus charms is unique to the base so you can pretty much tell where each charm came from.  The other bracelet was given to her by her staff and contains a diamond for each year she worked at Delta.  She was there for 30 years.

Who my mother was as a career woman at the expense of who she was as a wife and mother has directly influenced my own choices.  I opted not to choose, instead devoting my time to creating a home and raising our children.  Perhaps I didn't believe I could create a good balance trying to do both.  Or perhaps I knew that if I tried to do both it would be at the expense of my own personal time and I wasn't willing to do that if I didn't have to.  Who knows now?  What I do know is that it looks like I may have to make a decision at some point in the future as to whether I want to have a career.  My father in law is redoing his will as well.  I suppose his recent health scares as well as the changes in their business have caused him to revisit the current setup.  Because it is a family owned business (owned primarily by him but a small percentage owned by Chase and his sister) what he does with the business upon his death greatly affects me and mine.  I won't go into detail at this point, but I will say that after we met with the financial planner this week and realized what is currently in place and talked about what we would like and what we are willing to do, etc, I felt like the wicked witch after the house lands on her.

While all this talk was going on this week I was also aware of the fact that my uncle, one of my mother's brothers, was in the hospital with a dim prognosis.  He died yesterday morning.  I am, in part, so very happy for him.  The rest of me is sorry for me, and for the rest of his family.  He was, in so many ways, the center of his family.  He was certainly the light of the family.  There are some people who are happy souls, who simply exude a peace and contentment with life, regardless of what life's circumstances may be.  It's when I realize that we are now missing this presence that my tears start again.  I am so sorry for those who will miss him even more than I will.  What does it say about a man that his elder son, adopted after Uncle Allen married his mother, wanted to legally change his name to Walter Allen Jr.?  They convinced him to just change his middle name.  Now every son and grandson carries the middle name Allen.  

I have decided that it really doesn't matter at what age a person dies; for those left behind it's nearly always too young.

We were fortunate enough to have Uncle Allen marry us.  It made the ceremony, already a momentous occasion, even more special.  

My Monkey is 2

Happy birthday to my favorite little boy!  I am ready to plop on the sofa with my book but thought I'd at least show how cute my birthday boy looked in his new shirt...with his "I'm so excited because I know this is ALL ABOUT ME" demeanor.  Happy Saturday:)

Almost Happy Birthday

I've been absent, again.  Such a common theme.  I've been devouring books and doing lots of cuddling with my rapidly growing munchkins.  It's the best time for it: cold, dreary, overcast days just made for hot tea and warm blankets.  Plus, I figure I'd better soak up all the cuddles I can because they aren't going to find me fabulous forever.  One day they'll be too cool to snuggle with me.

Connor will be 2 soon.  I can't believe it's already been that long since I brought him home.  He's so amazing, as full of life and personality as his big sister.  He's also got this lovely sweetness about him.  The other day (while cuddling) he wiggled his way out of the crook of my arm and leaned around so he could place a big fat kiss near my collar bone before settling back against me with bunny in his fist and his fingers in his mouth.  Last week while rocking him before bed he started whispering, "Buh boo, Mommy.  Buh boo.  Buh boo, Mommy.  Buh boo oo."  (That last one is 'Love you too.')  Then he gave me that sweet little smile and leaned harder into my body.  It's times like that I want to just absorb his awesomeness.

Of course, there are times he says or does things that are less than appealing.  Lately it's "Mine!"  Or the whole limp noodle effect where he simply turns into a boneless mass and slides right out of my hands in order to better throw a complete tantrum on the floor.  It's new to me since Jordan never did that.  So far it's not been too traumatic.  Well, other than the one time he did it in the garage and smacked his head on the concrete floor.  Come to think of it, he's not been pulling that stunt as much lately...

Connor has had some scary hair lately so I decided it was time for a trim.  It was actually about a month past time for a trim.  We'd reached that place where I was actually about to tackle the situation myself.  It would have been a poor choice.  So last week I took him with me to my appointment and let him get his first Big Boy cut.  I actually let her do more than trim him.  He looks adorable.  He also now looks like he's 5.  Okay, maybe 4.  Still, he doesn't look like a baby anymore.  Apropos, I suppose.  You'll have to pardon the picture as it's from my phone.

Scary hair.

Exciting hair!

See, he's a Big Boy. 

My mom came into town today.  She came up for his birthday and is staying until Monday.  I'm glad because I haven't really seen her since she came up in October, and that visit was cut short because of a funereal she needed to attend.  I probably won't get to see her for awhile after this, either.  Her husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer in December.  They haven't decided where exactly they are going for treatment (it's between two different options at the moment), but he starts 8 weeks of treatment in March so she'll be unavailable for awhile.  We'll enjoy her while she's here.

Time is a funny thing.  Can anyone explain why the older we get, the faster it moves?  I would love to be able to slow the passage sometimes...Of course I'd still be trying to fit too much into too little and simply rushing too fast to enjoy the little moments.  That's part of why I've been reading more, cuddling more, dropping some dreams to the side to make room for the ones I'm currently living.  It's necessary.