Drinking, or rather, Not

If the past month or so had a theme it would be Alcohol as I'm running into it quite a bit lately.  Obviously there's some grand design in place, but I haven't a clue what it may be.  I know I've been thinking about the Not Drinking part of being an alcoholic more than usual because I've got someone close to me who's toying with the idea for their own life.  They asked me yesterday, "How?  How on earth did you do it?"  There are so many answers to that question that I'm not really even sure how I answered, nor do I know if they even heard half of what I said.  They're too focused on the Can't portion of not drinking, on what they see as the deprivation of it all.

I decided that a great deal of sobriety is about perspective.  I don't view it as a jail sentence, a time out for poor behavior.  For me it's not a shameful secret or proof that I am or was a piss poor human being. No, my sobriety is a badge of honor.  I wear it on my sleeve to show that I have demons, the same as everyone, and that I get up each morning prepared to fight these demons and go to bed each night with gratitude for another victory.  My past is part of my present and what makes me who I am.  Honestly, I'm proud of it.  Oh, not proud of all the moments that led to my decision to quit drinking, many of which I don't remember, but proud of the fact that I did quit, that I continue to refrain.  I think this pride, this willingness to admit that I'm an alcoholic, has been beneficial in my recovery.  I'm not afraid to ask for help if I need it.  I understand the need that some have for secrecy, but I think it makes sobriety tough if you turn it into something shameful.  Besides, how do you do something so big, so Huge, and keep it a secret?  I couldn't.  I don't.

I have a million thoughts about drinking, not drinking, and all things related running through my mind.  I'm wondering, why now?  Why is all of this converging now?  What's the message for me in all of this?  I'm wondering if all of those answers I gave yesterday in response to the question HOW are really the answers to my own questions lately, the Universe's way of answering me.  Maybe all the responses I gave yesterday fell on deaf ears but it doesn't matter because really I was just talking to myself, answering my own questions and calling bullshit to myself for trying to justify my hesitation in taking some steps in my own life.  Maybe that's the point of all of this, a reminder that I'm not alone.  That scary stuff is worth taking on, particularly when I've got such a kick ass support system.  That not asking for help when I need it is asinine and robs people of the opportunity to show me how much they care.

Yup.  I'm gonna just believe that's the case.  And if I believe it then it's true.  So maybe the theme of the past month is Courage.  What's the worst that can happen?  I look like an ass.  I think after all my alcoholic exploits I've proven that there's no lasting physical damage caused by making a fool of oneself.  It's character building.  So here's to making an ass of myself.  Or, preferably, here's to being honest with myself about having a dream and having the courage to pursue it.

This is not where I thought this post was going to go (it sounded different in my head earlier).  So thanks for letting me ramble on while I worked all that out.

Have a Happy Halloween!

This is what happens when you unintentionally order 36 mustaches. 

I'm the one peeking in from the back (next to Snow White).

Happy 6 Years

Today is my anniversary, 6 years sober.  My husband, sister, and dad have been my biggest support through all of this.  Every year they make a big deal out of today, doing dinner and a present, usually.  This year the band has a gig so we did our thing last night instead.  My sister and her family (if you recollect, she's the one with the new husband and gazillion children) picked up dinner for the grownups and came over here.  The gift this year?  A Kindle!

I'm psyched.  I'm an avid reader and always have been.  I cannot remember a time I didn't love books.  I read often and like to reread so I hang onto the books I buy.  That means that my two bookcases don't even begin to hold my books.  Considering the fact that there are books in nearly every room of our house, a Kindle is a pretty practical choice for me.  I was really surprised when I opened my present last night.  I had asked for a Kindle for Christmas, but I didn't expect to get it for my anniversary.  My dad is apparently the one who handled the details, and I know he wished he could have actually been here.  His absence doesn't lessen his pride or the support he's provided.  I've had fun playing with my new toy.  Can you appreciate how nice it is to get a book without getting dressed, getting the kids dressed, loading said kids, driving to the bookstore, unloading same kids, pulling out the stroller, trying to keep kids quiet for a few minutes just to do the same in reverse?  Not to mention that I can often save a bit on the books, particularly hardbacks.  I'm really thrilled.  Of course, my sister is saying she needs one of her own now that she won't be able to borrow books from me (we read the same authors).  Maybe Santa will hear her request...

I want to say thanks for the supportive comments on my last post; they mean a lot to me.  I'm sure ya'll are wondering how things went Tuesday.  I gotta say, I walked out of my counselor's office feeling about 10 pounds lighter.  I was afraid she would tell me I needed to learn new coping skills or that I was making a mountain out of a molehill.  Nope.  She told me I was right, we have a problem.  A large part of the problem is simply communication.  She told me it's important for us to do couples counseling, which didn't surprise me.  I was hoping she could do it, but for various reasons she referred us to someone else.  She feels it's important for us to see a male counselor, feeling that a man will be more likely to call my husband out on some of his behavior and less apt to buy into his tactics.

Dr. S (as we'll call her) informed me that I needed to have a conversation with Chase, telling him some of what I'd told her.  She said the marriage counselor would ask me if I had told him how I felt and if I said no he'd certainly ask why not.  It's a valid question.  I'm not sure if it's just that I was cowardly or too lazy to do it or didn't feel I had the strength to push against his defensiveness.  Perhaps a bit of all three.  Whatever the case may be, I have to take responsibility for my part in this.  I could have spoken up more often and more forcefully, pushed the issue, looked for some sort of communication.  I didn't.  That makes me just as culpable for the state our marriage is currently in.

As much as I dreaded it, I spoke to Chase that night.  It went well for a bit, until I stated my position.  "I'm not going anywhere, but I'm no longer willing to live like this."  Well, that's when he pulled out the woe is me act and the guilt trip, drooped shoulders and dejected air.  He didn't speak.  I asked him what he was thinking.  He shrugged.  This is the point where I usually let it go.  This time I didn't.  I pushed him to respond.  After he cooled off I gave him a hug and told him I wasn't trying to hurt him but I felt it was time for some honesty.

We have an appointment with the new guy tomorrow afternoon.  I have to admit, I'm a bit nervous.  Part of it is the new person aspect.  Part of it is the confrontation aspect.  A big part of it is apprehension about how Chase will react once we get in there.  I guess we'll just have to see.  I don't do so well with the unknown; I like to know what to expect.  This is a growth experience/opportunity for both of us.  I have done quite a bit of growing and changing in the last 6 years.  Here's our chance to grow together.

Intervention

Its is common knowledge among my friends that I am an alcoholic.  It's not something I'm ashamed of, and the knowledge helps us all avoid some awkward moments.  Because of my past it's not uncommon for people to talk to me about drinking or about concerns they may have about others.  That has been the case with a friend of mine, we'll call him Seth.  On more than one occasion he has talked to me about how I quit drinking and what I filled my time with afterwards.  He admitted that he drank more than he should but that he had things under control and he wasn't quite ready to quit.  One thing I know all too well is that you cannot help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.  I simply told him I was available should he need me.

I really only saw Seth when I went out to see the band play.  Since having kids I don't go out as much so I see him less often.  On top of that he has formed routines that don't intersect with mine at all.  He works 6 days a week, goes to the bar after work, drinks himself half shitty, gets an order of food to go, and drives home.  Yes, drives home.  My sister happened to go by his place of business the other day and called me as soon as she left to tell me he was drunk at work.  This is a fast paced downward spiral.  She asked what I thought she should do.  This is the part where people often ask my opinion when, quite honestly, I don't have the answers.  My suggestion was for her to call one of his close friends, one who has contact with his parents, in order to give them all a heads up as to how bad the situation is becoming.

It ended up with his parents confronting him, telling him that he needed to get some help.  He agreed that they were right and said that he would seek a program as soon as he had cleared up one or two things at work.  It has now been several weeks and the last time my sister stopped into his work he was still there, making excuses as to why he hasn't entered any sort of program.  Again, if he doesn't want to quit drinking then we cannot make him stop.

My concern at this point is the drinking and driving.  I can't stop what damage he wants to do to himself, but I hate that he's endangering everyone else.  My choice is to call the cops the next time I see him get behind the wheel after he's imbibed.  I don't really know what else to do.  The problem is, I don't see him very often.  So how many more times will he be driving drunk before someone or something happens?  Who is he going to hurt before then?  He's on a collision course and the only place I see him headed is the hospital, morgue, or jail.  It makes me angry.  Do you have any words of wisdom?  I'm at such a loss.

Happy Anniversary to Me!

We make a ladder for ourselves out of our vices when we trample them.

~St. Augustine

Wouldn't it be ironic if the worst thing that ever happened to you is the best thing that ever happened to you?

~my Father

Five years ago today I woke up in the hospital feeling like ass. I was groggy and out of it and still full of the charcoal they'd pumped into me to absorb the alcohol and pills I'd ingested. Some people can learn a lesson based on observation or a simple demonstration while others have to hit rock bottom to get the message. Guess which category I fall into?

Today is my fifth anniversary of sobriety. While alcoholism is not what defines my life or my personality, it has had a great hand in shaping who I am and who I choose to be. To this day I am not certain if my attempt at suicide was an actual attempt or an extreme cry for help. Ultimately, it doesn't matter. I was fortunate enough to not succeed and to get the help I so desperately needed. I attended an outpatient rehab program for a month, which actually worked wonders. I'm still thankful for all I learned there.

Despite rehab, I don't know how I would have fared if not for my own little group of cheerleaders: my husband, my sister, and my dad. They were the ones who talked to me endlessly about anything and everything I felt a need to discuss. My husband made certain that I was not alone after 5 PM for at least the first month after I quit drinking. My sister and dad told me over and over again how strong I was and how proud they were of me for all the courage I displayed. They (all 3 of them) continue to do so. I still get cards and congratulations and often gifts at this time each year. They never fail to make a point to say that this is a very special time, a very special mile marker.

This morning the first thing they all said to me was "Happy Anniversary!" Chase asked me how many years it had been; he thought 6. My sister asked me was it my fourth or fifth year. How incredibly wonderful is it that I have reached the point where enough time has passed that they aren't certain of which anniversary this is? In the beginning of sobriety when I had to focus only on the moment in front of me, I didn't think this day would really ever get here.

Not long after I quit drinking I went to visit Ashley (she didn't live here at the time). She was going through her own share of tough times, and we ended up going to get a tattoo together. I know, not your typical bonding outing. Still, it was appropriate for us. We both had been greatly affected by recent events in our lives and permanently marking our bodies was one way to express that. After great thought and deliberation I chose what I wanted and where I wanted it. I got the Chinese symbols for 'phoenix' tattooed on the inside of my right ankle. I felt it was an appropriate representation of what I had done: destroyed myself only to rise anew from the ashes.

I look at where I was, at what I was, 5 years ago, and I am amazed at the differences in my life. I used to arrange my time and activities around alcohol. Now I arrange them around my family or my own desires. I used to wake up each morning feeling hungover and biding my time until 5 o'clock rolled around. Now I wake up feeling healthy. I used to be miserably unhappy and uncertain how best to alter that. Now I am content, often happy, and always blessed. I have a happy and healthy marriage, a beautiful daughter and a son on the way, loving and rewarding relationships, and a creative and thought provoking blogoshpere at my fingertips. How very much has changed in these 5 years.

My dad was so right. I hit rock bottom face first but scraped myself up and started again. While alcoholism and my personal decline is probably the worst thing that has happened to me, I wouldn't undo the past. It ultimately is the best thing that ever happened to me. It is part of what has shaped me. While I have my share of fears, my ability to handle what life brings is not one of them. I have looked at myself and at my choices in life and taken responsibility for who I am. I may have had an incredible amount of support but that journey through the darkest parts of myself was one that I had to make by myself. I did it, and I have come to peace with my choices. While I am not proud of a large number of the choices I have made, I am incredibly proud of where I've chosen go in the last 5 years. I am proud of the changes I've made and of the person I've become.