Somebody else's nose: alcoholism

If the past month or so had a theme it would be Alcohol as I'm running into it quite a bit lately. Obviously there's some grand design in place, but I haven't a clue what it may be. I know I've been thinking about the Not Drinking part of being an alcoholic more than usual because I've got someone close to me who's toying with the idea for their own life. They asked me yesterday, "How? How on earth did you do it?" There are so many answers to that question that I'm not really even sure how I answered, nor do I know if they even heard half of what I said. They're too focused on the Can't portion of not drinking, on what they see as the deprivation of it all.

I decided that a great deal of sobriety is about perspective. I don't view it as a jail sentence, a time out for poor behavior. For me it's not a shameful secret or proof that I am or was a piss poor human being. No, my sobriety is a badge of honor. I wear it on my sleeve to show that I have demons, the same as everyone, and that I get up each morning prepared to fight these demons and go to bed each night with gratitude for another victory. My past is part of my present and what makes me who I am. Honestly, I'm proud of it. Oh, not proud of all the moments that led to my decision to quit drinking, many of which I don't remember, but proud of the fact that I did quit, that I continue to refrain. I think this pride, this willingness to admit that I'm an alcoholic, has been beneficial in my recovery. I'm not afraid to ask for help if I need it. I understand the need that some have for secrecy, but I think it makes sobriety tough if you turn it into something shameful. Besides, how do you do something so big, so Huge, and keep it a secret? I couldn't. I don't.

I have a million thoughts about drinking, not drinking, and all things related running through my mind. I'm wondering, why now? Why is all of this converging now? What's the message for me in all of this? I'm wondering if all of those answers I gave yesterday in response to the question HOW are really the answers to my own questions lately, the Universe's way of answering me. Maybe all the responses I gave yesterday fell on deaf ears but it doesn't matter because really I was just talking to myself, answering my own questions and calling bullshit to myself for trying to justify my hesitation in taking some steps in my own life. Maybe that's the point of all of this, a reminder that I'm not alone. That scary stuff is worth taking on, particularly when I've got such a kick ass support system. That not asking for help when I need it is asinine and robs people of the opportunity to show me how much they care.

Yup. I'm gonna just believe that's the case. And if I believe it then it's true. So maybe the theme of the past month is Courage. What's the worst that can happen? I look like an ass. I think after all my alcoholic exploits I've proven that there's no lasting physical damage caused by making a fool of oneself. It's character building. So here's to making an ass of myself. Or, preferably, here's to being honest with myself about having a dream and having the courage to pursue it.

This is not where I thought this post was going to go (it sounded different in my head earlier). So thanks for letting me ramble on while I worked all that out.