I'm not proud of that piece of myself. But I acknowledge it. And isn't it true that I cannot change that which I don't acknowledge and accept? Perhaps embracing that shallow part of myself will allow me to let it go? Maybe rise above that selfish childishness.
I'm not sure what bothers me more, what she did or the fact that I'm bothered by what she did. I had convinced myself that I no longer had any expectations and that I wouldn't be terribly affected by anything she did or didn't do. I might be mildly irritated or annoyed but certainly not hurt or disappointed. Well, tonight's actions showed me the foolishness of that belief. I was wrong. obviously I still have expectations. Perhaps not the same ones I had a year ago but expectations none the less. More fool me.
So now I'm angry with myself for expecting more than she is capable of being. And that anger is as futile as the anger at her for not being who I wish she could.
Relationships can often be treacherous paths to navigate. Add in all the history and emotional baggage and you've got a virtual minefield. How often have I hurt and disappointed her? Perhaps that is a better question to ponder.
2 comments:
Okay, Whitney, since you have put this out here without explanation, I have to put it into my own context: something my mother did when I was a young woman, and how much it hurt me. I eventually got over it, but it took years. As you say here, expectations don't get met and we find ourselves vulnerable. Without knowing the particulars, I can feel for you and send you my wishes for you to heal this wounded relationship. Blessings.
It's interesting that your context pretty much fits my situation. Thank you for your wishes. In this case, there is not much healing that will help. I simply have to be flexible enough to adjust my expectations. And I have to accept that she is giving all she is capable of giving.
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