I've been thinking about the past lately. That could explain the ups and downs. Emotions can be so damn messy, and I've tried to avoid messy for so long. One doesn't get to be a raging alcoholic because they're good at dealing with their emotions. Even though I've got several years of sobriety under my belt, I've not necessarily dealt with all the old baggage; I kind of felt that I had enough to do dealing with the now. Still, sometimes there'll be a song or a picture that will trigger a memory, and I cannot stop my mind from wandering...
Today I walked by a fuse on the street. Such a simple, silly little thing. It made me think of my first boyfriend. Which made me think of how I hurt him. Which made me think of my next boyfriend-my first love. Which made me think of how I got hurt. Which made me wonder if that was the trigger, the place where it all went so wrong for so very long. I know that that one event impacted the choices I made for the next 3 or 4 years. All the poor choices. I think, maybe, because he didn't love me, I forgot how to love myself. Being 17 is difficult enough without heartbreak. When you don't love yourself it's easy to treat yourself poorly. And lord knows I did that. I lost touch with my values, my morals, my friends. I can't regret all of those choices though, for they've led me here.
This is what my mornings look like, the sun shining in, the kids playing together, Cody walking around. I look at this and am so grateful for every poor choice, every tear shed, every stumble that led me here.
Serious. All the time she's just so serious. We're trying to teach her to lighten up.
Just looking at his smile makes the corners of my mouth turn up.
We bundled up and went for a quick ride while it snowed. Just little flurries. They loved it.
There's the saying, life's too short for regrets, but I disagree. It's too short to wallow in regret, but if you've never done anything you regret then you've not done enough living. If you go by that, I've done a boat load of living! My aim now is to not rack up too much more. Mindfulness is a great start on that, I think. I look back and don't much like the girl I was. I don't want to look back in a few years on the me I am now and still not like who I am. Of course, I've changed a bit in the last decade. Sometimes it's hard to see who I was in the woman I am now. I'm mostly thankful for that. The one trait I miss, the one trait I'm trying to find, is that youthful belief that the world is mine to conquer, that I'm capable of anything I attempt. I'll find it.
I hope your weekend is filled with all that is wonderful. What have you got planned?
5 comments:
None of us is perfect, that is why we are here....to grow. It sounds to me that you have a lot to be proud of. The woman you are now comes across as deep,intelligent, thoughtful and loving. To conquer an addiction also makes you very courageous. Maybe it is just time for you to get the baggage up and out, in order to truly enjoy your life experiences from this day forward.xx
Ditto to what Natalie said. It's the emotional roller coaster that is hard to ride, I suspect. You are right, though, each moment of the past has led you right here, to that moment of sunshine streaming through the window, your beautiful children, your musings. You share them with me and I feel blessed.
I have a memory from long ago of pulling my two little boys through a street in Michigan in a little red wagon. It lives on in my memory and was triggered by your wonderful picture.
If there is one thing I have learned on my own journey of life is that there is no room for guilt. Kick it to the curb sister.
My favorite quote, one that I have lived by for most of my life, "I did the best that I knew how and when I knew better, I did better".
That is really all we can ask of ourselves; that we continue to learn, to grow and of course, to love.
I agree with the other comments. We can only do the best that we can. Most of us go to bed at night thinking we could have done better. There are always battles to fight. Some we win, others we lose. Best thing is never to lose sight of your goal. Never give up. Just pick yourself up and move on.
Here is some encouragement (((Whitney)))
No regrets. Life is a journey, you make mistakes, then fix them.
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