Now what

Thursday morning Connor and I took Cody for a walk.  Actually, Connor didn't do anything, leaving all of the work to me.  Typical.  Tuesdays and Thursdays are my time with Connor since Jordan's in school.  Lately we've been very busy doing nothing, but the weather was pretty so we decided it was a nice morning for a walk.  As we strolled along, music playing, enjoying all the beautiful colors of spring, I took a moment just to take it all in.  The wind was steady, cool against my cheeks, blowing Connors' hair up above the top of the stroller.  It looked like dandelion fluff in the breeze.  I could hear his happy chatter as we moved along, little la la's and eeehs! of excitement.  It hit me, not for the first time but certainly with more finality, that this is it.  I have reached the end of a particular time in my life.  Unless some surprise should occur-and trust me, we are striving to avoid that-I have passed the point where I have a baby in my home.  Instead, I have toddlers.  Rapidly growing toddlers.  Hell, it won't be all that long before Jordan turns 4.  I am certain that the next time I blink they are going to be going to school, then off to college, and then getting married and turning me into a grandmother.  I had no idea how time would begin to fly once I had kids.

It makes me a bit sad to realize this time is gone.  I didn't really mourn it with Jordan because I knew we planned on having another.  Now, though, I know that this is the end of this period in my life.  Yes, I'm aware that it will be several years before they are gone all day, several years that they still need me to be here for them.  Still, they already need me less.  Jordan has reached that staunchly independent stage whose mighty refrain is "I can do it!"  A stage where, even though I am the one who is here, Daddy is the one she wants to be here.  All of this is natural and completely expected, but I'm very aware of her moving out of the shelter of my arms, reaching with arms wide open for that big, beautiful world that awaits.  Connor now does so much on his own, he needs me much less than he did even a month ago.  Fortunately he still turns to me for cuddles or kisses or with his owies, otherwise I'd begin to feel completely unnecessary!

Of course, their growing independence has enabled me to step back and do this detox.  It's allowed me the time I've needed to do things like exercise, nap, and try new recipes.  This wouldn't have worked nearly as well a couple of months ago.  Of course, if I would quit taking a bite here and a bite there of things I'm not supposed to have this would also work better!  Oh well, it's still going well enough.  I actually come to the end of the detox tomorrow but have decided to go another week.  I still have enough of the protein and fiber powders to do another week and, after the bits of cheating, I feel I could use the extra time.  If nothing else, maybe I can conquer the mental voices that are urging me towards crappy food when I'm not even hungry.

I know that part of my emotions about this passing phase have been exacerbated by the situation with L. I cannot imagine how horrific it must be, as a parent, to watch your child suffer through something like what he's dealing with.  It makes me want to wrap my arms around my own son and protect him from harm.  I'm well aware that's neither practical nor possible.  Life happens.  As soon as I get done mourning the end of this phase I'll get busy getting excited about the next phase.  Here's my opportunity to begin deciding how I want to spend my time, what I'd like to do with my days, and finding new ways to contribute to our family needs.  I promise I'll be excited...just give me a few minutes to get there.

As for L, he is doing well (a relative term).  It has now been 9 days, and he's still alive.  That in itself is a miracle.  He has undergone four surgeries so far to remove dead skin and started physical therapy yesterday.  It saddens me that his responses are given by blinking.  At the same time, I'm thrilled that he's able to respond at all.  They will start the skin grafting in the next couple of days.  I know it's going to be a long haul as they've got to basically create a whole new set of skin for him.  I know that this is just the next step on an incredibly long and arduous journey, one I hope he continues to find the strength to endure.  I can't help but wonder how this will change not just him, but those around him as well.

Speaking of change, here's Connor in September: 

Note the lovely rolls and round little cheeks

And here's Connor now:

Note that he looks like a little boy more than a baby

(Plus he finally got some teeth!)

Hello.  Meet Bunny.  This is Connor's very favorite friend.  He also likes to be very close to me sometimes.  Thank goodness!

 And because this would not be complete without a picture of my growing girl, Here's Jordan!  She's all dressed up for Farm Day at school.

Have a Happy Weekend!