That's unfair to the purpose of this blog. I started it so that I could have a place to write without judgement. A place where I could be honest and explore myself. A place where courage would come before censorship. Instead, cowardice has won. That, and a desire to stick my head in the sand, hoping that all that bothered me would magically dissolve. Life doesn't work that way. All I've managed to do is reach a place where I'm angry and disenchanted. Not with my children; they are my sunshine. There are other people in my life, though, that I'd swear are the inspiration for Eeyore.
Honestly, I also have tried to avoid an overabundance of bitching on this blog. I don't much care for some of what I'm dealing with; why would others want to read about it? I guess you don't have to. That's okay. I'm going to start writing what I need to write without worrying about whether or not it's tedious to read. I think it may help me feel that I'm being more honest with myself, not to mention the outlet is bound to help.
I'm here with the kids tonight, just us. Chase has a gig about an hour away. They play 9 to 1 tonight so he had to leave a bit before 6 to get there in time to set up, and it'll be about 3 when he gets home. Long night for him, particularly after playing last night. It is good for me to be here alone. I've had a bit too much of being needed lately. We went out of town for Thanksgiving and returned home Sunday night. Chase ended up sick and was only at work Tuesday and Wednesday this week. For those of you who have dealt with sick men, nothing else need be said.
I know that having kids is a big change in a marriage. Hell, it's a big change in life. I also know that in a marriage, people change and grow. The hope is that they grow together, but that's not always the case. I believe, though, that with willingness and work, there are couples that can be brought back in sync. I am certain that the frustrations I'm currently dealing with in my own marriage are not at all insurmountable. I am not arrogant enough to believe that I can climb that mountain without a bit a help, though. I made an appointment to see a counselor next week. I've seen her in the past; she helped me put quite a few things in perspective and gave me a number of new tools for my toolbox. Now it's time to do it again.
I was young when I got married. I met my husband when I was 18, nearly 19. I was at in college at the time, while he was working for the family business. We dated off and on, long distance, for awhile before getting engaged. The 'off and on' part was my doing, as he's nearly 9 years older. I figured I was right in the middle of pretending to be a grown up, doing the college experience, trying to figure out who I wanted to be, while he was well out of college with a job and a mortgage. I thought he was wonderful, but we were in completely different places in life. Obviously I changed my mind. We got married a month after I turned 21.
The first couple of years were up and down, primarily because I was young and drinking far too much. After I quit drinking things got better. I started behaving like an adult and I began to see that my marriage could survive all the damage we'd done to it. I also began to see that marriage was, by far, the hardest job I'd ever had. It is like caring for anything, regular maintenance is key. I have discovered that one needs to be vigilant for it is far too easy to let things slide. I don't want to wake up one day to realize that there are cracks in the foundation that we have no hope of repairing. Which is why I am looking for help now. I love him, but I know that love doesn't solve problems magically. It does give me more strength to weather these storms.
My heart was lighter after deciding to call the counselor. Sometimes all it takes to begin the work to overcome something is to admit that there's something to overcome. There are some issues in my world, and I'm going to get past them. Or around, or over, or through them. Whatever. There's a Zen proverb I love, "The obstacle is the path." Well, I'm ready for a new path. I'm ready for a path where I've learned how to set boundaries so that I'm not the one my family turns to when they need to bitch. I'm ready for a path where I'm not the only one who takes responsibility for doing what needs to be done. I'm ready for a path where I occasionally put myself first and don't feel guilty for it. That last one is going to be the hardest, I'm sure.
Lately, the people in my life who I am closest to have been battling their own demons. I know that and am trying to be sympathetic. I have to stand up for my own needs, though, when their battle begins to cause problems for me. I feel that part of what I need to learn are skills to communicate to my loved ones what is or is not acceptable. I'll let ya'll know how that goes.
Connor climbed on in to help put away groceries.
Here's Jordan at my mom's house, getting ready to go for a morning walk with Chase.
Yes, still in her pj's.
5 comments:
Whitney, please feel free to bitch and moan on your OWN BLOG. You can leave out names and stuff, since I don't know them anyway and really only care about you (and your kids of course). You know I have struggled in the past by thinking I am supposed to write for others, not myself, and you have constantly given me permission to write for myself.
By all means, a counselor is a great idea. It gives you the chance to see your problems through the eyes of another. My guy and I saw a counselor twice a week for an entire year, sometimes together, sometimes apart. It wouldn't have worked without a third party to give us perspective and let us see creative ways to move forward.
But you are talking to someone who has three bad marriages staining her history. All but one of those marriages could have worked if I had been willing to work with a counselor. I am wishing you well, and I look forward with a smile every time I see you have posted, and not because I expect you are going to entertain me, but because I will get to see where you are today. I am sending you big virtual hugs!!
Good for you, Whitney.
Self love must come first, otherwise our cups are empty and we can't love others without resentment.
You are doing the right thing.x
Bravo! Bitch all you want - as DJan says, it's YOUR BLOG! Sometimes I think about creating a second blog - one can be all about Evie and one can be all about my inner thoughts that are screaming to get out.
I'm so proud that you took the "gumption" to call the therapist.
At the risk of oversimplifying, men are men and women will be women. It’s pretty fundamental human, perhaps even animal, behavior and I’m sure any decent shrink can explain it. It's sounds like you're trying to be the therapist to everyone in your life... and fixing everyone elses problems and not taking the "timeout" in the relationship game to fix your own needs. I think that's just the female in all of us --- we just want to FIX everything that is broken -- Even if it's not our problem!
Any good insights/realizations or tips you stumble upon during your chats with the therapist, please feel free to share.
We are ALL a work in progress.
Love and hugs-
katie
I agree with everyone else that it is perfectly fine to complain on your own blog. Having said that, I also know that I am the kind of person that gets mired down in my own negativity and making myself be positive will go a long way!
Hmmm yes I think you should be able to write your own thoughts in your own Blog. However, think about it for a minute: supposing you say something that would upset someone else bigtime? Perhaps it would be better to talk to that person first? Otherwise you may be making a bad situation worse.
Naturally, I am interested and caring about what you write. I want to know. I know you have 'two' husbands, as have I, so to speak and that can cause problems. I would love to put my thoughts in my Blog but I only ever touch on it for fear of hurting others.
Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps by not hurting others, I hurt myself. No doubt you have had all these thoughts.
Seeing a counsellor is a good step forward. I've never been to see a counsellor, perhaps I should but I could never afford it. I have to be my own counsellor.
Good luck with it. I feel for you and hope you get the matter resolved.
Blessings, Star
Post a Comment