Do you ever look back at your life, at the road not traveled, and wonder? Do you think about all those times you turned left instead of right and question what your life might look like now? If time is not linear and all that ever happened or will happen is happening right now, is there another me out there somewhere, living out the choices I didn't make?
I have regrets. Honestly, who doesn't? If I could go back in time, I'd like to think I would treat people a little more kindly, burn fewer bridges. I don't think I'd make different choices, though, for I am happy where I've ended up. I would not undo my children for all the tea in China. I think that the mistakes I've made have made me a better person, hopefully a better mother. How does one help teach a child about difficult decisions and detrimental choices without first hand experience? Trust me, I have experience. My own moral compass was drowned in vats of wine for years, then dried off and realigned. I have plenty to teach my children. I hope they don't make the same mistakes I made. I am sure they'll make their own.
I had a frustrating day yesterday, kid wise. They were both very fussy and demanding. Connor cried from about 12:30 on, unless he was eating. After awhile it all began to grate on me, trying to juggle a screaming infant, a fussy toddler, dinner preparation, and a whining dog while trying to pick up, do laundry, wash bottles, and try to clean a couple of days worth of food smears off the table...the same thing I do most days. It occurred to me that I get tired of this every so often and begin to feel that I'm not making much of a contribution. Perhaps it's a question of who do I want to be when I grow up? I want to do more than just clean and cook and wash bottles. I want to do something that is tangible and speaks of me.
I'm not saying I don't love what I do. I just know that as they get older my children will need less of my time. What then? I need a life outside of my family, something that will make me happy and fulfill some of my soul's desires. But what? In my parallel life what would I be doing? Would I be some corporate underling, climbing my way up the ladder? Would I be a shopkeeper, helping others find trinkets they couldn't live without? Would I be a novelist, happily plugging away at a computer? What do I want to do? What can I begin doing now that will feed my soul and allow me to feel that I'm making a contribution to more than just my family? When will I have enough time and energy again to even make that happen?
I am certain that I'm not the only one who has asked questions like this. Where do I look for the answers?
7 comments:
You look inside.
Those things that make you smile give a clue. The things you daydream about give a clue, also.
Counseling? You have very wise words I have noticed. :)
This part of life usually begins to take care of itself. As you speak about the roads not traveled, it made me think about the future event that will tell you exactly what you want to do with yourself. You have begun by writing this blog, and having people like me who care about you, your family, and your happiness. How did that happen? Because of your writing and your ability to open yourself to vulnerability and new options. It will come, but as you pointed out so well, right now you are pretty much maxed out... here's a big virtual hug, do you feel it?
Use this time to find out which direction you eventually want to go. This time is a gift (believe it or not, I know it's hard when you are surrounded by diapers and whining and tantrums...).
Staying at home with two young children is hard. As rewarding and wonderful and awe inspiring as children are they are also demanding and selfish and exhausting. It's okay to say that.
So, while you are doing your life's work right now with your children start dreaming about your future work. It will come and when you look back on this time of your life it will be like a drop, a stitch in time.. it all happens so fast.
Blessings!
I think that deep down you already know what you want. This stage of your life seems endless, but it is not. Try to focus on short-term goals for now. Seems like only yesterday I was settling arguements while holding a crying infant in my arms. My most peaceful moments were rocking a sleeping child in my arms. Such a peaceful time for reflection. I still do that with the grandchildren!
Oh, and by the way, I still wonder about crossraods in my life.
"If time is not linear and all that ever happened or will happen is happening right now, is there another me out there somewhere, living out the choices I didn't make?" What a wonderfully profound statement...! And yes, I think about that all the time.
All the time...!
And, as Kathy says, "This stage of your life seems endless, but it is not." One day you will look back on it with great fondness. Treasure today. Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow isn't here yet. Today is a jewel.
I think we all have days like that. I know I do. Looking back over my life I think the happiest days were when, like you, I was at home with the children. I yearn for those days but enjoy the ones I have too. As I am soon to be a grandma, that is something for me to look forward to, a bonus in my life. There is always something new around the corner. Just be patient and it will come along.
I think you would like to be a writer. You will be good at it. Prepare for it now and it will take care of itself.
Blessings, Star
Sorry you had such a bad day. You know the stars and planets are conspiring right now to make all of us look at our lives with fresh eyes and an open heart, so you are perfectly aligned with the mood of the moment.
Does that help? Probably not.
A life without regrets is an unexamined life. You're entitled!!
Shalom.
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