Continual growth

I read a book recently, The Happiness Project, that made an impression on me.  It is one woman's year long journey into pursuing happiness.  She did a boatload of research and then set her plan in motion.  Each month she tackled a particular area of her life and made strides towards increasing her happiness in that area.  I'm not sure I'd suggest reading the book as I thought she used too many quotes and rambled at times; perhaps the Cliff's Notes version would be better.  Still, it got me thinking and stretching myself a bit lately.  It has me taking actual steps towards improving my mood when it's crummy or increasing my energy when it's low.  I've done a few things that I was scared of doing and enjoyed myself, not to mention I've learned some things.  

One of the theories she expresses is that we do better with an activity or task if we do it every day, or every other day.  Perhaps that's why my blogging is so sporadic, why I sit down to post and don't even know where to start because I've got a million things running around in my head and it's too overwhelming to comb through.  Sometimes I'm hesitant to write something because of the possibility of that person reading the blog.  That holds me back though I don't know why because no one I interact with with any sort of regularity reads this.

I had a frustrating conversation the other day with my MIL.  It was also rather liberating.  I mentioned, in passing, that Chase had made a comment about how big the kids were getting and maybe it was time to think about another baby.  I wanted to smack him because I've been slipping the idea of a third kid into the conversation for months now!  My MIL was quick to claim that I am a wonderful mother and I obviously love my children and Chase loves them as much as I do, etc.  But.  And then she went on.  It was like Negative Nelly had taken over, like Doom and Gloom had come to roost and needed to share some insight with me.  What about money?  Could we afford another kid?  What about Chase's work?  Can we count on that in this economy?  And we'd have to sell our house and buy a new one because this is only a three bedroom!  It didn't matter what my response was, she bulldozed over it.  She was certain she was right and that it was necessary for me to agree with her.  The only problem is, I didn't.  Or don't.  Whatever.  Now, I'll admit that some of these questions had arisen when Chase and I talked.  The thing is, what we have doesn't matter.  We are certainly comfortable enough to support another kid without depriving any of us of what we need and most of what we want.  As for the house thing, since when is having one's own bedroom a necessity?!  Really, though, all of this is irrelevant.  The important part of this story is that her questions and her shock at our even contemplating another child forced me to verbalize my own feelings on the subject.  I surprised myself.  I told her that all the financial jazz would take care of itself.  If we needed to sell the house and get something cheaper, so be it.  If the worst possible scenario occurred and we ended up homeless with no source of income, we'd face it.  Together.  The important things in my life weren't the things but the people and as long as we were together we'd manage.  Granted, I have enough family that I can't quite picture us being on the streets, but you get the idea.  I then told her that whatever we decided it would be because we had considered all the angles and that I would not let fear make my decisions.  


Now, if you knew me you would know what an amazing thing this was.  I'm a girl who likes My Stuff.  I always have.  My parents have shared the story of my first prayer many a time, and it always makes me smile.  It is so indicative of my personality.  Apparently Ashley's first prayer was to take care of all the starving children and so forth.  Mine was, "Please, God, don't let anybody take my stuff."  Financial security is hugely important to me.  I hate to have to worry about how to pay the bills.  So there's this part of me that completely understands where my MIL was coming from.  She's afraid.  She's worried about her own financial security and just wants someone to sit there and be afraid with her.  It's certainly not going to be my FIL.  He came from not much and would be okay if he ended up with not much.  But since she and I are alike in so many ways she thought maybe I would sit in that dark, scary 'we may not have enough money' place with her.  What's funny is that once upon a time I probably would have.  Just not anymore.  That's where the liberating part of the day came into play.  I realized that I wasn't just trying to get her off my back by saying that I was not going to let fear make my choices for me; I really meant it!  For someone as security driven, as afraid of the unknown as myself, this is pretty damn major.

So there I was, feeling all proud of myself, watching the kids play (we were at the park), and another amazing thing happened.  I made a new friend.  This is super big because I'm pretty introverted and usually too afraid of rejection to initiate things.  Not only did I sit and talk to this other mother for awhile, we made a date for later in the week.  This was really exciting and I immediately called my sister to share, but got no answer.  So then I called my dad.  He got it because he said something about being proud of me, a new friend every 20 or 30 years, etc.  It was while I was floating around feeling all proud and self important that we had our exciting earthquake.  There's nothing like Mother Nature to bring you back to earth!

I'm hoping and praying that there's not much more damage and destruction from Irene.  It is so sad to hear of the fatalities.  I'm thankful that we are just out of reach and didn't get more than a bit of wind and rain.